Mr. Veda greets his doctor.How long can anyone hold on to the dark side? The thought of spending longer than a day holding ill will against someone seems no less than exhausting. What of career villains? Eeeevery day, waaaaake up to remember the laundry list of grudges and planned assassinations. Honestly it's more about list checking than murderous glory:
Where did I put the bombs?
Who am I going to blow up first?
Have I fed my sharks with frickin lazer beams?
How many minions can I afford to loose today?
What got destroyed yesterday?
Am I hidden properly…?
Arugh! Obsessive? With a side of black capes and head gear!
Shark with frickin lazer beamYou may be surprised to learn, that I am not alone in my thoughts. Darth Vadar himself came in from the dark recently to enrol in a Panchakarma retreat. My Ayurvedic doctors confirmed that they are up to the task of taking a stab at him, pardon the pun. Here’s a leak of his intake interview:
Doctor: Mr Veda, what are your reasons for wanting to enter this Ayurvedic retreat?
D.V: I’m exhausted to tell you the truth. My job has taken everything out of me, and I feel that it is all for nothing. My family works for both sides of the business which has conflicted with my sense of purpose.
Doctor: What field of work are you involved in?
D.V: Destruction!
Doctor: Sorry, what was that? Construction?
D.V: I killed my last six physicians.
Doctor: Oh I see. I’ll just put Construction then shall I? And what part of your business do you think causes you the most stress?
D.V: The planning, the hiding, training my minions. I can never seem to find people good enough to delegate my work load to. I have to do most of it myself. I killed my generals for their failures.
Doctor: Yes, downsizing has been a problem around the world, with the crisis affecting almost everybody. It’s hard to find an effective co-ordinator. All the good ones are being held on to.
D.V: Or killed. That’s what I like to do. If I don’t kill someone by lunch time I get hives. It’s so uncomfortable. You have no idea what it’s like under all this polyester.
Doctor: I see. You definitely like to speak in the dramatic Mr. Veda. I like your style!
D.V: I want to kill you.
Doctor: Right. Let’s move on shall we? Just a couple of questions and we’ll get you started towards finding balance in no time. If you can remove your cape, and um, is that a mask? I’d like to check your physical condition.
ShirodaraD.V: I killed twenty people yesterday before breakfast. That should demonstrate to you that I am in excellent health. Consider this interview over. Where is the Shirodhara room?!
Doctor: You’ll have to remove your helmet for that.
D.V: Damn! Take me to the Oshadhi treatment room!
Doctor: No capes allowed for that, I’m sorry.
D.V: I really want to kill you! Sigh. I’m so tired of explaining. I need my cape to conceal my giant lightsaber which is in my pocket. What about Shiropada? I can keep everything on for that!
Doctor: Nope. You have to remove your boots at least.
D.V: Can you imagine how stupid I will look with all this get-up and no boots on?! You have no clue who you are dealing with and how lucky you are that I haven’t removed your spine.
Doctor: Mr. Veda, I appreciate that you let me keep my spine. We can help you, but you will have to learn a little about Ayurveda. If you will let me explain why you feel the way you do, and then we can show you a way to the bright side.
D.V: You mean light side. Because I’m from the dark side, not the dim side, imbecile!
Oshadi Doctor: Right you are Mr. Veda. In a nutshell – not saying you are a nut or shell Mr Veda – Ayurveda divides the force of the earth into three characteristics or Doshas.
D.V: That is interesting. Three forces. I know only two. Go on.
Doctor: They are called Vata, Pitta and Kapha.
D.V: And which one is the dark force?
Doctor: Well, when Pitta is out of balance we tend to become obsessive with power and distruction. That could be one Dosha to look at in your case.
D.V: Ahhh Pitta yes. I like this. Especially for my themed dinner parties. Tuesday night is Tatooine Night. That’s the planet I came from. I make sure we always have the traditional fare: pitta, tahini and kebabs. If not, I kill somebody of course. No one keeps me from Tatooine Tuesday!
Doctor: This is, actually, another Pitta that I am speaking about, but your Tatooine Night sound delicious. Here is a brief description of the three Doshas of Ayurveda:
Vata has the attribute of air and ether. It is expressed as movement in the body and mind. For example, breathing, heart beat elimination, pulsation, blood circulation, and thinking. These are all due to air. Our body weight is due to air and the pressure it creates on our bodies. When the air element is too high all of the things listed above will increase and the person will become sick or mentally imbalanced.
Pitta is like fire. It is responsible for the metabolism and digestion in the body. Without adequate heat, your food cannot be properly digested and will become toxic in your system. Pitta is also responsible for keeping the body warm.
Kapha has the attributes of water and earth. Our body is made up of 70% water and this is controlled by the Kapha Dosha. It is also responsible for lubrication in the body and provides stability. Lubrication is needed in the joints, skin and mouth.
D.V: And lightsabers! Those things jam easily without proper maintenance.
Doctor: I can imagine! We are usually made up of a combination of two Doshas. Some people are equal parts of the three, but this is rare. I am going to pescribe a Dosha test for you to do, so that we can determine which one you are. I am sorry that I have not made the questions more for your perspective, like:
Exactly how do you like to kill people?
Do you prefer to kill them early in the day or late at night?
Do you like to nap between your murders?
D.V: Yes! I like those questions! Let me see these questions and I will decide if I let you live.
Doctor: Here, use my computer. Click on the questionnaire here. This one is from Deepak Chopra.
D.V: I have heard of this man. He is famous across the galaxy. The Chop! I call him. Actually he is the reason why I came here. If you say his name fast it sounds like he is killing someone: (Darth Veda stands up to fight an invisible opponent using The Force) DEE! PAK! CHOP! RAAAAH ! (Sits down wheezing, and places his head between his knees. He breathes deeply to catch his breath.) He would be a formidable opponent if I should ever duel with this great warrior.
Doctor: (feigning enthusiasm) Oh quite! I see what you mean. But if you don’t like Mr. Chopra’s questions, or, you know, if he dies by your hand, you can try this questionnaire here. Welcome to the world of Ayurveda Mr. Veda. Ah! Did you notice? Your name rhymes with Ayurveda.
D.V: Shut up man! You are sassy!
Deepak Chopra may or may not be a formidable opponent of the dark side.
On another Darth Veda note, I found six minutes of footage recorded on the death star. Top secret survelence work which happened to record quite an unusual day at the office. This happened just weeks before he chose to alter his destiny and join our clinic. This might explain how the story ended.