(continued from the last article)
He loves to cut corners, entertain, and dance with little old ladies a little too vigorously. True to his character, here are some of his wisest offerings.
1. Tents can be pitched and enjoyed just as easily upside down. People who believe that tents should only be constructed right-way-up are correctist. Or Swiss.
2. You never need to clean a spill on linoleum. A good Stanley Knife is all that is required: cut around the spill and throw out the offending linoleum. It will be almost as good as new.
3. A six pack of beer is the price of a favour. A carton of beer is the price to make something that is illegal, legal.
Not all the pancakes make it.4. To increase the entertainment value of cooking pancakes, flip the pancake so that it sticks to the ceiling. It grants the children dramatic pause so they can squeal with delight, and for you to line the pan up underneath.
5. When burying the children's favourite (but now dead) cat in the garden, make sure that you bury it deeper than what the dog can dig up. At least when you bury it the second time.
6. You never need to wash the dishes. Just stock the car full of dirty dishes and drive to a remote part of town where you can leave them. Pick them up later when the coast is clear -- i.e. when other family members are not home. In the meantime, try to talk a friend into coming over to wash them.
7. Changing the oil of the car is the best way to show appreciation for the new shirt that you were given on your birthday.
8. Homes in Australia are often high-set. Make holes through the floor in each room. This way, you don't have to sweep the pile of dirt into a dust pan. It's efficient. Tell puzzled visitors about the dangers of air pressure build-up should a cyclone suddenly arrive.
9. To take your children on a real fishing adventure, leave at 3am and pretend to navigate by the stars. When the sun rises, and there is no land in sight, simply tell your frightened children that this is the fishing spot. You will find your way home somehow.
11. The best way to run from a herd of stampeding cattle is to hide behind trees and throw a stick for the dog to chase. The cattle will always chase the dog, and the dog can run faster than you.
12. Having trouble with your children fighting? Send them to karate classes so they can beat each other up elegantly, and with skill. Never interfere.
13. It takes approximately three times for the boat to pull the car and trailer into the ocean before you learn to calculate the location of your submerged vehicle accurately.
14. If you parade a car filled with sea water in front of the local pub, it is a guarantee that the conversation will be lively and all beers for the afternoon are bought for you.
15. Boiling hops and making homebrew with the wife’s best kitchenware and a garbage bin in the middle of the house wins no friends.
16. Resist building a toilet inside the house. Stargazing or bird watching while sitting on the throne outside is a sweet spot to enjoy everyday. Eventually, after years, the neighbours will grow accustomed to your ritual and wave back.
17. When jelly-wrestling or mud-wrestling, you can always win by pulling your opponents pants down. There is no such thing as cheating in these games.
And I survived! What would life have been like without my father's paralell-laws-of-the-universe existence? Fortunately, I will never know.
