It happened in our lifetime, and is soon to be official: The Homo Sapien lineage is over; consider them buried and fossilised. The new Homo Vegetarianus is now born.
It happened quickly, evolutionarily speaking of course. And who knew?!
Twenty years ago, it would have been enough to say "I'm vegetarian", and the subject was left at that. It was a new, probably radical idea; and the general population had to figure out how they felt about it.
No one suspected that a dietary change would change the human race; their very genetics! Vegetarians think differently. They act differently from Homo Sapiens. But they are not all the same.
Today, hearing "I'm vegetarian" is akin to someone stating their taxonomic kingdom (animal) rather than their species (Homo Vegetarianus).
A proposal for a new human species has been officially tabled; one that is more, how to put this tactfully... advanced. It is a new-model Homo Sapien who doesn't knock the bejezus out of our animal friends, and slice and dice them for a fleshy, bloody meal.
If you plan to acquaint yourself with a Homo Vegetarianus, you may want to investigate before you pitch your culinary skills against their dietary requirements and invite them to dinner. They can be third generation ultra orthodox, or fashionably vegetarian for art gallery premiers; and maybe your dinner party.
You will need to understand their lingo.
“You made my meal next to the butter container? Sorry, I can’t eat that; I’m vegan.”
“I’m lacto ovo vegetarian, unless I’m ovulating. Then I’m just lacto vegetarian.”
“ I’m omnivorian. Half-caf de-caf flexitarian, not shaken but definitely stirred.”
...something like that.
For the purpose of this article I categorised the new Homo Vegetarianus race like I have my past boyfriends.
Boyfriend Exhibit A: The Faker. He hangs out at all the right places, and wears the right clothes, but he's just not cool:
Flexitarian : Vegetarian on week days, and meat eater when they dine out, or go to Grandma’s Sunday Roast.
Pescetarian : Vegetarian but they eat fish.
Pollo Vegetarian : Vegetarian but they eat chicken.
Boyfriend exhibit B: Ho Hum safe choice that mother would like. I guess he can help take out the garbage:
Lacto Vegetarian: Vegetarian but they eat dairy.
Ovo Vegetarian : Vegetarian but they eat egg products.
L
acto Ovo Vegetarian : This is the common variety of Homo Vegetarianus. They eat a plant-based diet as well as dairy and egg products. The risk of most modern-day diseases such as diabetes and heart disease is minimised.
Boyfriend exhibit C: The radical idealist, but attractive because he’s so interesting:
Vegan : Vegetarians who eat no animal products whatsoever, which eliminates most restaurant food, wines*, liquor, pasta, bread, and desserts.
Boyfriend exhibit D: The “he was exotic at first, but now he’s freaking me out!”:
Fruitarian : Vegetarians who only eat foods that qualify as fruit. And, after the fruit suicides by taking the great leap from the tree independently, lest the fruitarian would have to commit murder and harvest the fruits from the plant.
Who has time for impostors? To hear them explain why they choose to eat dairy but not eggs though sometimes on the full moon, fish is ok. Or if its chicken burrito night, then yeah, chicken is cool.
As for the other end of the vegetarian spectrum, fruitarians are the rarest of all Homo Vegetarianus'. If I ever met one, they would indeed be one of the most radical people I encounter. Stalking vegetarians, who wait for the sound of that next Thud! : the promise of another meal!
And vegans? Beautiful creatures. Their vegetarian style brings the greatest reward to the physical, mental and spiritual aspects of being. They feel differently; lighter, brighter, clearer.
These days being vegan is a much easier existence, and so they flourish. Middle Eastern and Asian-style cuisines are accommodating, as are café’s with soy-based beverages, such as cappuccinos, dandelion and chai lattés.
Though more advanced in their principles and ethics, Homo Vegetarianus still possess a class system not unlike that of the decadent Homo Sapien. The stain of society, the lower white trash class is like the Pollo Vegetarian who salivates in front a giant plate of roast chicken, yet still claims to be Homo Vegetarianus. Their propensity for reality TV, mullet-styled hair, double denim wife-beater attire, and unnecessarily loud shouting of small words make them a very close cousin to the underbelly class of Homo Sapien.
Exactly how Homo Vegetarianus will be defined by the Taxonomic Board of The World are the finer points that will be discussed in the imminent watershed meeting. As a member of the board, my vote will be more conservative. Flesh-eating vegetarians out. Vegetable-eating Vegetarians in. Makes sense?
*Wine often contains one or more of the following additive:
Isinglass: Special gelatine made from sturgeon fish bladders.
Gelatine: The normal stuff. Made from boiled cows and pigs hooves.
Albumin: Egg white.
Caseins: Milk protein.
Cows Blood: Seriously. This ingredient was banned following the European Mad Cow’s Disease outbreak; but word on the Spanish streets is that its not enforced.
That glass of red sounds tasty doesn’t it? Who came up with the idea of adding these ingredients to beautiful, pure, fermenting grapes? Did a sommelier in France say one day, “You know François, I think if you just added a drop of sturgeon fish bladder, your vintage will taste heavenly”.