Identikit provided with the order to capture the Yeti.
My secret agents received information that a Yeti was seen in the snowy hills of the high country.
Bravely, they surrounded what was a small and slightly effeminate Yeti, and brought him down from the mountains to answer some hard questions.
Some of the transcript is leaked below.
Secret Agent 1
What’s your name?
Yeti
Shennong.
Secret Agent 1
Secret Agent 2, please pull a file on one fury person who goes by the name of "Shennong".
(Shouts to the Yeti in a threatening manner.) I’m going to ask you some hard questions. Do you hear?!
Shennong
(Speaks with a Michael Jackson softness.) Yes.
Secret Agent 1
What is the name of the volcano that erupted in Iceland?
Shennong
(Upset. Speaks softly.) I don’t know.
Sectret Agent 1
Can you spell Espionage?
Shennong
Yes. I am not a spy, if this is what you are thinking.
Secret Agent 2
Here's the file Secret Agent 1. Um, I don't think he is a Yeti, nor a threat to our Nation. Check out his stats:
Filed: Most recent picture of Shennong from an unreliable scource.
Secret Agent 1
5000 years old? Seriously?
Shennong
Yes. I will be 5000 next week.
Secret Agent 2
(Surprised.) Wow. And invisible. Actually, I can’t quite see you under all that snow. Can you... dust yourself off a little?
(Shennong moves away all the snow to reveal a camouflage of leaves. They cover his whole body.)
You cover yourself in leaves and snow. Why? Can you also remove those leaves please, Shennong? Just so we can get a positive ID.
(Shennong picks off the leaves. He is invisible underneath. He wears only a pair of thongs.)
Secret Agent 1
Thongs. Thats all you have? Identity confirmed. One Invisible Shennong.
The Agent's first indication that they were close to encountering the Yeti.Secret Agent 2
(Whispers to Secret Agent 1.) Get a grip Secret Agent 1! This guy is an invisible 5000-year-old Emperor of China. That’s all. Just imagine he's like your uncle Rupert who said he was Napolean's favourite horse. Now, let’s ask him some questions.
(Turns to the invisible Shennong.) You said that you are a Chinese Emperor. How did you end up here on our island nation?
Shennong
(In his soft Michael Jackson voice.) Because of Global Warming; but it’s not really global warming. The ice caps will melt. Then, the oceans will cool over the next three generations, to replenish the life within our oceans. It’s a natural part of the earth’s life cycle. I have seen it before.
But I digress. The continental ice-sheet that I was living on broke away and floated to your country. As I am invisible, no one saw me when I arrived.
Secret Agent 1
And you invented the hoe?!
I was introduced to a hoe once on my buck’s night. Her name was Honey Rider. She was a well of fun!
Secret Agent 2
Ahem!
It says here that you figured out how to preserve seeds? I don't quite understand why that would be an important accomplishment.
Shennong
It was important when our crops succumbed to drought or flood. (He produces a handful of sunflower seeds from nowhere.)
Secret Agent 1.
Oh, so these are preserved seeds. (Secret Agent 1 begins to help himself to the sunflower seeds.)
(Chomping.) So how did you preserve them? Sun-dried? Baked? Prayer?
Shennong
Boiled Horse Urine.
Secret Agent 1
(Having just swallowed.) Right. Yes of course. The old Boiled-Horse-Urine trick. My mother-in-law from Samoa once told me to boil my underwear in the stuff. She said it was for good luck. I was never sure if she was trying to pull my leg. What do you think, Shennong?
Secret Agent 2
(Whispering.) Thats the kind of question you want to ask a man like this? Stay focused!
Last known picture of Shennong after his interview.Shennong
Sorry to interrupt your interrogation, Secret Agent 1. Your mother left a message on your switched-off phone in the other room. She says that she just left your favourite lunch with the receptionist.
Secret Agent 1
(Stares at Shennong's general direction. Feels a little insufficient.)
I discovered that putting sugar in your mouth stops chilli from burning.
Secret Agent 2
Oh my god. I love green tea! You discovered it? How?
Shennong
I was stoking a fire using twigs and leaves. Suddenly, the smoke blew the leaves out of my hand and they fell into my cup of hot water. Always curious about the effects of herbs, I tasted it. What I saw was astonishing. Green tea worked as an antidote to over 70 poisons that my body had acumulated from testing hundreds of herbs on myself.
Shennong (2737 B.C.)Secret Agent 2
(Feels somewhat star struck.) That’s staggering!
(Door opens and shuts, seemingly by itself.)
Secret Agent 1
Oh my. He’s gone! The Presidentess is waiting for a debriefing. What will we do, Secret Agent 2?!