Teepee up? Check.
Sitar music and incense? Happening.
Orgasmatron-ed? Yeeeeesss!
What about that Quantum Physics book? In my hands - Marked and dog eared, coffee spill dry. I'm ready!
First question: What is the name of the world’s most bad-ass free energy?
Answer: What is Tachyon.
And how bad-ass is it? you shrewdly ask.
Totally bad and very ass-ey. The ordinary vacuum inside a light bulb contains enough tachyon energy to boil all the oceans of the world. Need I say more? I guess I should.
That all the major heads of government declined my 
I mean THIS orgasmatron. Sheesh! We're talking hard science here!offer for tachyon technology was surprising. Frankly, they all acted like 7 year olds when they asked assorted versions of, “But can we kill people with it?!” Why killing - all the time with the killing?!
A while later, several oil companies heard that I had offered free energy technology to the world. Now I can't go to sushi restaraunts because of my unfortunate allergy to plutonium. But enough about me.
Jean Luc Picard had a hell of a time with tachyon beams, often breaking the space-time continuum; you know, because tachyons travel faster than the speed of light. That’s Heresy! You shout, as you lunge to kiss your Einstein poster on the door. But it is true, my friends. Tachyons do exist beyond our sub-lightspeed visible universe. You might call them anti-matter, where they exist in a parallel universe the opposite to ours. Think Seinfeld's Bizarro Jerry.
Bizarro JerryWhen tachyons travel faster than the speed of light, they move backward; used in an engine, they gain energy and speed the longer they are used. Engaging tachyons bring things together as opposed to push things apart; which is why they heal, and reverse the effects of ageing.
Our scientists learned from Picard’s mistakes. Like the Higgs Boson, whose discovery last year caused great global fanfare, tachyon particles are hard to spot. People are trying though, and the Sheldons of the world prove that they indeed exist. That’s where your scientists are up to, unless you include Nikola Testla, who did use tachyon energy in a few of his inventions. But he was a freak; totally before his time.
Now retired ambassador for my nation. His tachyon gadgets were so peculiar people made documentaries about him, even calling him a Time Lord.In my world however, tachyon energy has been harnessed and condensed for eons. It is integral to our greatly enhanced life-span, near-instant healing and highly developed prescience.
To employ the power of tachyons, we first need to slow them down to below light speed. Natural products such as gem stones, crystals and silk slow tachyon energy down, because their crystalline structures act as antenna for tachyons to condense upon. Tachyon's nature is to order and harmonise its environment. This might be a good moment to give pause and a few cudos to those ancient cultures and new age hippies who have trumpeted the power of these things.
Your current tachyon representitiveTachyons are a frontier science, and like all frontiers, slightly 'loopy' people tend to congregate here. If, after reading my article, you want to delve into this powerful free energy science, be warned: you enter the well trodden halls of crazy genii as well as various plain varieties of crazy folk. Keep your wits about you, grab what information you can that makes sense, then get the hell out of there before one of them follows you home and forces you into network marketing.
Its defiantly worth it. Tachyons are the bridge to abundant free energy, instant healing and extreme longevity. Is it just me, or does that term trip you up too? If we live to our full capacity, is that extreme?
Shame though, that only crystal, patchouli folk are getting into the tachyon business. It’s like discovering the wheel, then selling it as a paperweight.
With tachyons you can rule the world!
Learn how to harness tachyons, then give the technology away to everybody who has an internet connection. Power will fall from the clutches of oil barons and into the hands of us all. As it is painfully obvious, he who controls energy controls us all.
I challenge you to look into these particles. You don’t need a supercollider to figure them out. If Tesla could do it in 1900, surely our internet-age brains can see what he saw in them. Get experimenting. Free energy, enhanced well being, death to the ageing process…
And No killing people, people!
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