The NSA broke the covenant. They agreed not to engage in espionage or survey my nation.
I have evidence of their ten year covert surveillance of all virtual communications of the people of my nation, and a handful of satellite images. I recovered the NSA’s presidential debrief. If it wasn’t for you Mr. Snowden…
Here is what they learned about my secret island nation.
Mr. President, we have been aware for some years now of a secret island or military base in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Multiple attempts to lock on its exact co-ordinates failed, which led to suspicions that its construct is, at least in part, paranormal. Our experts conclude that the entire base, and its occupants, exist on a very different frequency than the rest of the 196 countries that we actively spy on.
The NSA concludes, Mr. President, that it is of North Korean or Iranian construction – in cahoots with those extra terrestrial fellas we keep hunting down in New Mexico. Adding to the intrigue is the fact that the occupants on the base speak English; more specifically, English-as-code.
The weapons they construct are more powerful than the nuclear technology that we commonly find in Iran or N. Korea. It’s the reason, we believe, they moved their program off shore. Garnered evidence indicates that their technology came out of our own HAARP program.
We are aware of the irony, sir.
The base runs regular tests, at 05:00 and 22:00 hours and involves all occupants. In these hours we detect extremely high frequencies emitted from the base; they scramble our instruments every single time.
The Code
Their use of code remained unchanged since we began this surveillance operation. This indicates to us that they are inferior, militarily speaking. Almost all of their communication is done within three contexts:
- Polite care for their neighbor, and concern about their wellbeing or farm. They use this language to describe the day-to-day running of their bomb-making facilities or the progress of their death-ray which, we believe, is the cause of the high frequency that the base emits.
- Share recipes for their organically farmed produce. They speak of this when they want to discuss details of the bomb-making process. They refer to the word meals when they talk about their diabolical, murderous weapons; and the word ‘cleansing’, to discuss WMDs, that are powerful enough to wipe out entire populations. These conversations that we have recorded, Sir, are genuinely horrific. Only our best men have endured this area of espionage, and all of them require treatment of their subsequent post traumatic stress disorders.
- Talk about their government. This subject brought us closest to revealing who is behind this base. Workers spoke extremely positively about the ‘Presidentess’, which indicated to us that their government is one of the worst authoritarian, oppressive governments in the world. It can only point to the A-rabs or the Koreans sir. We conclude that the wife of Kim Jong-un – the ‘pop star’ is the true leader of North Korea, and the evil mastermind of this base.
Recommended Action
Royal representative on her way to meet the Presidentess. You are not expected to spot the hidden NSA surveillance satellite. The NSA is considering all available military responses; however until we can lock on to their physical location we can not be effective. Of the tens of thousands of hours our men have spent spying on these demonic cretins, we found only one Communication Bridge to the world that we consistently find success with. It is a website called yogaleaks. The author goes by the name of Presidentess. Yes sir, the pop star of North Korea.
We tracked the pop star's IP address and saw that she posted messages in various Ambassadorial lounges around the world. My advisers and I are convinced that she is a ripe candidate for "replacing", sir. It should slow the progress of the base’s goals, and buy time to position war ships at random co-ordinates over the Pacific. Our plan is to play it like a game of Battleship; we’ll hit it one day Sir.
Surveillance Images
Mr. President, we were only able to garner a handful of images of life on the base. All pictures are included in this debriefing.
Conclusion
These are suspected piles of yellow cake covered by shrubbery.Only evil lives in this base, Mr. President. It is a lair like no other and is without doubt, the greatest threat for the sovereignty of the United States.
This may or may not be a satellite image of the secret island base.
We are still investigating the authenticity of this evidence.