Dune - The Best Cult in the Universe
Yoga Leaks
Cults never go out of fashion. There will always be a slice of the human population who fall for the same trap that moths do. They fly towards the brighter, closer light despite other people’s best effort to save them from the inevitable burn.
With Scientology being a little decadent these days, there's no better time for a hot new spiritual cult to emerge, and I’ve got just the thing.
Paulism
We need a book; an epic tale. Followers, as history shows, will use it to mine spiritual lessons.
And there's is no better cult book waiting to happen than Dune, written by Frank Herbert. Of course it requires a strong edit, to transform it from the greatest sci-fi best seller of all time, to a great spiritual doctrine that serves the gullible. For today, you don’t need to know the story. Just trust me; Dune has the chops to be the next Dianetics.
Dune, first and foremost, is a saga set far into the future. It recounts a 25,000 year battle for universal domination. How great is that for a new scripture?! But for spiritual-book purposes, we need to change the time period. Dune should describe a 25,000 year-long event that happened thousands of years ago. To compete with current cults, this story needs to happen before any of their stories. Shoppers have a default setting in their brain that tells them, older information is more correct.
David BeckhamSo what will be the back-story?
People will ask: Who discovered that Dune was actually a scripture?
The answer: A footballer, of course!
Don’t scoff! It’s a brilliant idea. David Beckham, for example, is an excellent candidate because he seems more intelligent than the average man-who-dedicates-his-life-to-kicking-a-ball. He’s got a perfume line, designer label, has zero tolerance of his wife eating… What’s not to trust? Everybody trusts sportsmen. Until they don’t. Tiger. Lance. Coby. Anyhow...
This is Rael. I wasn't kidding!Like Raël, once a professional race car driver, now a self-proclaimed messiah of a UFO religion, David Beckham just needs to walk up a hill and watch the sunset. Then, come down with eyes like dinner plates; produce a neat scratch on his forehead. He will tell the story that was ‘downloaded’ to him by an interstellar being who also happened to be on the hill watching the sunset.
‘But the book has been around for decades,’ people will argue.
‘Yes, but nobody knew that Frank Herbert was telling the truth!’
We weren’t ready for the truuf, David can say with squinted eyes, his new-found wisdom almost too much to bear.
Dune has some very unique concepts that can be exploited in a cult.
1. In Dune the Emperor looses his effectiveness as a ruler because he indulges in excessive ceremony and luxuriance. He calls his attendants parasites. His fiefdom, however, has evolved towards the austere. Meanwhile, in another part of the universe, a powerful desert tribe called The Fremen, have ways that are beginning to appear more enlightened. They are Warriors with Confucian heart and Sufi thought. The Fremen are selfless. They put the needs of community before their own.
The FremenLearning from the story of the Emperor and the Fremen, cult followers can determine a path towards enlightenment. They'll shed their personal wealth to live the 'Fremen' way. Beckham and his secret movers and shakers should absorb his follower's material burden, as a 'personal sacrifice'. It would be his duty.
The practice of handing over one's wealth is not a new concept. Hot new cults need to use familiar concepts as opposed to rituals that are just not done. Imagine if cult leader David suggested that you can just meditate when you want, where ever you want. Pfff!
2. More controversial than putting community ahead of ones own needs comes in a by-line: Artificial Intelligence and computers are prohibited. In the story, I mean to say sacred doctrine, doing away with computers forced people’s mind to become capable of extremely complex tasks, such as mental computing.
This subject will be known as the knotty part of the scripture - a necessary component for any valid doctrine. Endless arguments over whether computers are a powerful tool or powerful trap will only generate more interest and attention to the ‘religion’. It smells a little bit like Khmer Rouge I know, but David Beckham is too beautiful and superficial to be the next Pol Pot.
Taking spice also turns one's eyes blue3. The most polemic aspect of this cult is the ‘Spice’ Melange, a natural mind-enhancing drug of sorts, and, according to Dune, the most valuable commodity in the universe. Spice offers its users a host of spiritual benefits, such as greater vitality, prescience, heightened awareness and longevity. It’s addictive though, and withdrawal from it is fatal.
Beckham will have to be monitored over this issue, lest he turns this multi-billion dollar cult into just another Jim Jones story. Handled well, the spice element can be the single most outstanding polestar for this potentially shiny, celebrity-endorsed ‘greatest story ever told’.
Unless he comes up with something on his own, which I doubt, I would advise Beckham to cryptically suggest to his followers that spice is a metaphor for them to realise upon enlightenment. A koan of sorts. Hippies will totally dig it and interpret it to suit their own agenda. More devotees snared.
The book has everything you could ever want in an authoritative doctrine. All we need now is a how-to manual: classes, secret techniques, occasional leaks of unpublished story lines, hints of more information download from Beckham. All sold for a price.
Glad the dangerous end is painted red. Such attention to detail made David's 'I'm a cult leader and I'm ok' photo op run without a hitch.David Beckham has Oprah on speed dial. He has every paparazzi waiting for him to exhibit some kind of worldly experience. Women, believe it or not, would throw themselves at a chance to play David’s favourite guru game, strip-enlightenment: one piece of clothing for one piece of enlightenment. Enlightenment comes in pieces in this cult.
Ascension through the ranks can be structured as a pyramid system. The more people you bring to the church, the more secrets you can learn. Skip this rule if you proffer a sizeable donation.
Of course this is just the green tea talking. Nothing so crazy could ever happen, right?
* In the meantime, I invite you to 'like' my new page on facebook: Yogaleaks.com. Just click on the facebook icon on the right of this article near the top. It will take you straight there. At Yogaleaks.com facebook I will publish (hopefully) humerous and (always) unique posts in-between articles.
Reader Comments (12)
Wow he looks really impressed with himself that he has a weapon in his hands. That red paint was so funny. Great article! You're onto a winning Cult! What a way for David to leave a mark beyond his fading beauty.
Wow I had no idea you were so versed in Cult scinece. I used to be a Raelian. I would definately join Paulism. Who's Paul? Is he cute? If he's cute I would definately join and give up all of my worldly posessions to be around beauty that never dies.
Hi Plus One. Better than Minus One, I guess. Paul is the protagonist in Dune. He becomes enlightnened.
Woah. That was well considered. Your article took me on a totally lunatic trip that sounded absolutely plausable. That's an art. Now I want Beckham to be a cult leader. He would be so shiny and perfect. He's friends with Cruise, right? A mentor, or possibly example of what not to do. Anyway Presidentess, it was a great read. Thanks!
We weren't ready for the truuf!
Strip-enlightenment.
Hilarious!
Wow this Cult has every chance of being successful. Good idea to put David at the head. LIke the cork in a bottle of wine. Now I have to put down my 50 shades of grey and read Dune. It sounds much more 'up my alley'.
Where do you get these ideas?! How to you come up with David and then plunk him into the idea of Dune as a cult?
This article should weed out the readers who are religiously sensitive. Was that your plan?
I can totally see Becks transform into the guy who is next to him in your article. I want to be a Paulian; study the Fremen way. How different is that to studying some of the current culty thoughts that we now speak of as normal ideas?! The Fremen do less harm than most religions. In fact, religion should be afraid of them. There could be a Fremen Spring just around the corner.
I'd love to know more about the book you are writing.
Top article! Thanks for that.
Hi there. I loved your article. I'm curious about the drawing you used to illustrate it. Can you tell me where it came from? Thanks a lot Ms. Presidentess.
Hi Kristin. Thanks for your comment, and for noticing the sketch. It's of my favourite architect Oscar Niemeyer. All of his visionary drawings seem other-wordly to me, which is why I found this article an appropriate platform for one of his designs.
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